Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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