the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
