I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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