Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
