whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
