You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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