can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize