it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
