omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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