i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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