This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
