Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
