Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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