I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize