Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize