can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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