if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When are your genitals available?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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