She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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