Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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