is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
