Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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