Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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