Got a toothbrush?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
His nipple licking is glorious
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