i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
