Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
