if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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