I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
