gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
