i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
