Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
