shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
