You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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