and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
