It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
