I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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