i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You're like the curious george of whores
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
