I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
