I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I accidentally had phone sex last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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