I need to stop coming to work sober
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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