Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize