You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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