I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
