that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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