i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
