Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I will die if light touches me.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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