Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize