One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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