Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Sober January is a disaster.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize