He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
