why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
