when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
