I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
