I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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