U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
