I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
