clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
