What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
