I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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