don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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