Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
