so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
