If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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