I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
