so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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