So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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