I'm really into asian looking animals
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
