well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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