Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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