It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize